I have two friends on facebook that I always look for. Why? Because when Goliath looks at facebook it is ever so dreary as he sees the many places FB friends are vacationing at…celebrities they is hanging out with, or great meals they is devouring or what cool socks they is wearing today. Goliath feel all hangdog and what not. Goliath don’t take no ‘vacation’ as there ain’t no place in the world Goliath can go without remembering unpleasant things about the place. After 3,000 year as a Warrior fighting in every war almost all places kinder sad for old Goliath. Goliath don’t wear no socks. Sandals look weird with socks. But….Goliath got two friends that always got something different. One is a gal who ought to be on the stage as a comedienne. Here are her jokes, just from June, 2016. (she is prolific).
–“I can see you’re trying to sleep. Can I interest you in a menu of unpleasant hypothetical situations that probably won’t occur?” – My brain
–The New iPhone 7 is coming out in August. If you want a sneak peek of the new iPhone. Take a look at your current iPhone and pretend it cost 200 dollars more.
–My son thought putting glue on his hands would help him walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
–If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
–if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
Me: Whoomp, there it is
–The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
–Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for more mature skin.”
And that’s when Security had to be called
–Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?
–Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
–Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up
–Doc: Your insurance won’t cover it all.
Me: What if I sewed myself shut?
Doc: Suture self.
–You left the kids with me for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
–Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I’ve only missed one day
–When I was little , we didn’t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like freaking savages.
–This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
–Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad…
–STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks..
–The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”
–When your wife asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person”
Is NOT the RIGHT ANSWER…