Goliath’s Xmas Tale: a Christmas Carol

Back in 1875 Goliath living in London town when he was knocking around in Whitechapel looking for jobs and what not.  Goliath had gather up lots of big heaps of money and at that time had to let it out in complicated sea going contracts to keep the money moving and away from ye olde tax collector. (Queen Victoria was a money grubber of the first rank) So Goliath go in an put some his accounts at this skin flint looking accounting offices call, “Scrooge and Marley” what look like they know how to squeeze the shine off a tuppence. So there this old egg,  Mr. Scrooge sitting at his high desk with his long seedy pen scribblin’ away in a legder and over yonder on the other side was his underling Mr. “R. Cratchett”. Cratchett seem like nice enough chump but his clothes all wore out and patched and he wearing old gloves with the tips cutt out to hold his pen which,….was not more than a nib.

Goliath come in as the end of the month approach a couple days before Christmas it was and right then come in some mealy mouth do gooders with there paws out looking for money donations for the poor orphans and widder wimmens what was all over the place in that wretched coal smokey town. “BAH HUMBUG” says Scrooge and he run these two Barb Anderson  looking do-gooders right the heck out of Scrooge and Marley. “Let those drags on society die if they will and decrease the surplus population!” says Scrooge. “These here 47% will never be on my side  They think somebody owes them something!”

Goliath smile with approval at this healthy self reliant attertude of his man Scrooge. “I am an entrepreneur!” he cry out.  ” I get so testy with Queen Victoria when she says that it’s the government that built the roads,  keeps the peace provides fire and other protections” Says Scrooge.  “I built this business” …not the Queen!!!”

Right then Cratchett cackle up a half hearted. “ahem”.  “what you want there Cratchet?”

“I’d like to take the day of on Xmas..sir” “Humbug!” says Scrooge. “Do you think those columns of figures will settle themselves? I could fire your ass you know! You don’t HAVE to work here…you are a free man Cratchet!”

“Yes sir, but you see, my child Tim is in failing health…I would like to spend this last Christmas with him…in case it IS the last”. Says Cratchet.

“Should have thought about that before you lost your insurance Bob” But Bob explained how he could find no insurance company to cover Tim so that it looked like Tim would either die or Bob would just have to go bankrupt trying to pay his enormous bills and for this no hospital would advance the necessary extensive medical care that might save Tim. “well that’s your misfortune…and i am sorry you have it ..but it doesn’t concern me” says Scrooge.

Eventually,  because it was politically correct,  Scrooge gave in and let Cratchet have Xmas day off with his family.  That night Scrooge went home and ate his cold porridge and gruel and had a small sip of jaegermeister and clambered into bed.   Suddenly the windows rattled and the curtains about the bedchamber whipped as if a wind were blowing. There was the saturine ghost of his long dead partner,  Jacob Marley! 

“Wow Marley! You look really cool” said Scrooge. That is pretty goth or something”. Marley nodded his head.  “I forged these changes in life…with my love of money ..my greed…your’s were as long seven year ago when I died…you’ve added to them since then!”

Scrooge was impressed.  He had never been a stylish man. But it seemed that death would make him cool …thank heavens he had nothing to fear from death. He had been considering getting a tattoo to stay ‘with it’ but now saw the accoutrements of his soul far outclassed any temporary inkings he might hope to embellish his skin with.  “You shall be visited by three more spirits this night Scrooge!!! TAKE HEED!!”  Then Marley sank into the floor…and dissappeared.

“Wow…cool trick”.

Before you knew it,  in through the window flew a sprightly spirit with white hair and a nymphs bodily form darting about the room…”Take my hand” she cried. “Who are you ?” said Scrooge.

“I am the ghost of Christmases past”

Pretty soon they were wisked away and came to a scene …a small child was under a xmas tree..crying his eyes out.   “Why that’s me as a tot” said Scrooge. ” I had dreamed of getting a toy gun and I had been so good…so very very good. I EARNED that toy! But I was denied it. They gave me a lollypop! A foul grape flavored lollypop! How cruel!”  The spirit then wisked Scrooge away to later scenes… “Ah yes..”  said Scrooge…”there I am on Black Friday ..attempting to find my mother and father appropriate gifts…I had no idea what to obtain for them. What a horror show.!” 

Please spirit…I don’t want to see anymore!!!

The spirit whisked him back to his chambers and vanished. Soon a new Spirit arrived.. “Dude! I am the ghost of Xmas Present!”  and she stuck out her tongue and started twerking. 

“Oh my heavens!! this is horrifying! Said Scrooge…”Please…please leave at once” But the spirit insisted that this was what was ‘cool’ right now and going on all around him if only he would, for once, enjoy Christmas in the proper way. “You must be joking!”  But  the GOXP just shook her head “no” and laughed. “Please spirit…take me away..I cannot bear it!!”

Pretty soon we were back at Scrooge’s house. And it was quite a relief indeed.  “I see that Christmas is nothing more these days than an excruciating anxiety ridden spiritually cheapened and financially astronomical festival of greed, materialism and craven nostalgia.”  But wait!  I cried.  Scrooge…Goliath is here …I guess Goliath is meant to be the Spirit of  Christmas times to come.  Goliath suddenly had the power to show Scrooge what awaited him.  …a yawning grave…where vultures picked over his worldly belongings even down to stealing his shirt off his dead corpse.  “that’s exactly how I expected to be treated.! That’s why I am so mean” said Scrooge.  Goliath showed him a party of people laughing about how few people attended his funeral.  “I knew they were bastards…and I gave that fellow a job once..ingrate!” said Scrooge.  finally,  Goliath resorted to showing Scrooge his own TOMB….with the words “EBENEZER SCROOGE  1809 -18**” enscribed upon the granite rock.  “What a WASTE of good building material! Ayn Rand would NOT approve!”  said Scrooge.  So…Goliath shook his head and they were back in Scrooges’ bedroom.

The End.