The Book of David. (Some relevant excerpts from the Venerated Script)

Chapter 3

…(10) And lo, the Chief Guards called out into the wilderness for the
learned elder with white hair. “Take this, this wretched vermin who
has turned his back upon his seed, Jason, and hie thee to the
high priests and counsel of the King’s Court and fix his settlement
unto the King.

(11) Then did the learned elder put the red spectacles upon his face that
he might see and read the missives from the Chief Guards and the wretch
that turned his back upon his seed, Jason, and did see that the King’s
Court had proclaimed he should plead to 6 years being 3 on old cases of
thievery, 3 on a new case of thievery and also LO let it be 5 years
of liberty overseen by the King’s minions for turning his back upon his
seed in the amount of $37,000 shekels or thereabouts.  The wretch sent
unto learned counsel his scribblings…which said “Woe unto me…the beasts
of the field and the fowls of the air do not suffer as I!! Yea, I have
turned my back upon my seed and therefor are cursed of all men. The shadow
of dishonor has fallen upon me. Yet, still, I loath to plead and take
6 years of a sentence. I beg thee…Let me plead and taketh 3 years
and return to probation for my antique thieverys”

(12) Learned counsel turned unto the the chief Chamberlain of the
Court, Jen Harmeyer, and seeing that she was with child, he groaned and
was loathe to wasteth her time with one such as he who had turned his
back upon his seed. Yet, in the struggle all men, under the sun must
make, the learned counsel did say, “So let it be written..and it will
then, be done.”

(13) The Chamberlain who was with Child did look upon the woebegotten
Jason  and said, “What the heck…ok…he can do three years on
the new thievery and we will return him to probation on the old theft

Chapter 4

7. And lo, he was set out upon the wilderness, no home had he.
He was bereft of shelter. Even the humble dog or the migrant
oxen had more shelter than he. Then in the time of Polar Vortex,
a decree went forth from friends and neighbors who said “Yo…let
us make yee to the temple and there that we might break thereinto
and sample the lord’s good gifts.”
8.As the youth who was homeless and wandering thereby on the
rocky paths of misspent idolatry and woe of suffering reasoned, “Yes, this
temple seemeth to me a worthy and easy target. I will hie unto
it upon the falling of the sun and thereby seize the raiments of
the vestitures, the cymbals and music making works and rest them
in my hand and take these unto the thieves and fences of the market that
I might feed my mouth and look good to the maidens what are beset,
like me, with the woes thereof.
9. Yet then the chief guards did find the young sinner, and they
set upon him, they did bind his hands and make him confess his sins
to the Lord and to the judges and from that place he was taken and
thrown into the jails where he rent his clothes and there was a great
gnashing of his teeth.
10. Then did the young sinner meet with the wise elder of his tribe. A man
of learning with white hair, and a bald spot and as his eyes were weakening
with age the elder wore eyeglasses that he might gaze upon the sins and
squalor set before him. The elder counseled with the young sinner, who
was, it proved, an idiot, that did not reap and neither did he sow and
had no skill to set his hand to and had lived like a dog in the dirt. “Rise up
young man” said the Elder. “Let us offer to do our penance after which
thou shalt get vocational rehab training and try and make something of
thy self.” And the young sinner was sad and sore afraid and humbly
accepted the wisdom of his elder counselor.
11. “Blessed are the deal makers” sayeth the counselor, “for surely they
shall clear the dockets and make way for the cases and matters that truly
confound the mind and are worthy of the high judges’ time.” And the
Deputy Prosecutor Harmeyer offered 10 with 8 suspended and they had a

Chapter 7. Verses 8-12

8. The young husband and his maiden wife betimed to lay them upon
the marital bed. Sacred and silent as the grave and lo there was a small
nugget of noise as that of  a mouse upon the hearth. The maiden
gazed under the lentel and there stood covered in the shadow of his
sin, the figure of a villain in darkness. Woe to him that did not
awake lest the villain do his dark deed! The maiden harked unto her
husband who riseth up and he did accost the villain.
9. The villain clung to his dagger (it was nearly a cubit long)and
the blade thereof glistend in the moonlight. “Halt Villain!” sayeth the
husband. “Hie thee or thou shalt feel the might of my iron side arm”
Hearing the challenge and furious warning of thy servant the husband,
the villain did scurry into the darkness leaving behind the husbandman,
and the young wife. Yay thee, they trembled in fear and numbness of
invasions. Yet they called upon the chief guards and lo told their fearsome tale and the
chief guard captain vowed to beat valley and hill and under every
tree and bush and find thee that scurrilous villian.
10. The chief guard set thee upon the tower and hearing of the drunkard
Jimmie H did thereon resolve to solve this mystery of the villain.
Yea it did appear very like the deeds of Jimmie H. And The chief
guard set his hand to wring out a confession to the deed from Jimmie
H.  And he set forth to the Jail and there did overcome Jimmie with
great fear and great misunderstanding confounding all truths.
11. Jimmie proceed before the great judge and lo he spoke unto
him and told how the chief guard captain had afeared and afrightened
him so that Jimmie knew not what he had said. And the great judge,
being very wise threw the confession out the window and the case
was sure dismissed in a flash.
12. The wise elder counselor celebrated by having flagon of jaegermeister.
Let he who has ears hear and she who has eyes pay heed.

The Book of David  Chapter 13 Verses 1-5

1.  And the Lord looked out upon his creation in Clark
County and he saw that mankind had become so proud their necks
were stiff and had become emboldened with their many crafts
and tools and ipads and xbox’s and the Lord resolved to
confound the multitude.

2.  Therefore the lord caused the Case of J***J*** to
be filed in the Circuit court thereof.  He crafted it to be
a simple case with no direct evidence and only the word of a
brazen and muleheaded jezebel who thereafter recanted her tale
as evidence. To add to the bedazzelements and confusion he set
upon J***J***s with a Case of A felony in the Lower Court
2 on charges of selling illegal elixirs and potions and LO
and with wonderment caused this case to be a much stronger case
and yet he caused the judge in that case to release J***J***and  he taxed the Court of the burglary with all the work
and toil and caused J***J*** to be held in the King’s prison
SO that once again the learned counsel would file
yet again for a third bond relief order.

The learned counsel cried out..”WHY am I taxed with theJ***J***?  has spent 5800 hundred shekels on fees for work
release and HIP which exceedeth what I would charge if this case
were a private case…and yet I labor to no good end!! Why Lord Why?!”

3.  The Chamberlain who was with child spoke to the Chamberlain who
was not with child, Michaelia, daughter of the Archangel Michael of
Otisco, “why doest thou tarry with J***J*** and his A felony
Elixir charge?”  But Michaelia answer not.

4. The learned counsel wept.  He dashed his head upon the Rock and
swore he was in a world that passeth all understanding as the case
he had in Court 1 of burglary was grievous and weak and no jury
would convict thereon and yet the Lord had chosen to tax him and
harry him all of his days. So now J***J*** commandeth him to
seek another bond release and so let it be written and so it was done.

5.  And the Lord looked upon the confusion and woes and was well pleased.